This Sunday, America turns its eyes to the world of sports, specifically, American-style Foot-ball. Unlike the real football played everywhere else in the world, this peculiar creation has very little kicking, and is apparently an enormously popular juggernaut, generating close to $8 Billion dollars in annual revenue.
The American Foot-ball championship game (dubbed the Magnificent Porringer by those of us who do not have permission from the commissioner’s office) will draw in roughly 90 Million viewers, well over 96% of whom could care less about the game, and tune in to watch the commercials (or to see if Fergie’s bosom will fall out, or if she will start doing meth on stage during the halftime show). The game is also very popular among America’s degenerate gambling community, who will wager on everything from the outright winner, to how long Christina Aguilera will hold the note on “brave” during the National Anthem.
It has been the sport’s great omission that to this point in history no blog called apatheticallydecomping has ever held a prop bet contest specifically geared toward the game’s advertisements. It is now up to us, a blog that just so happens to carry the aforementioned name to right this grievous wrong.
The rules of our contest are simple: players who would like to participate should share their answers in comments in list format with #s corresponding to the bet #. Commercials airing between the opening kickoff and the set immediately following the final whistle will count towards the prop bets. Replayed commercials will only be counted once. The player who has the most bets correct will win a special mention on the blog, and probably some sort of prize that I will buy at the dollar store. So gather round children, zip it listen. And tell your friends. The more participants, the more fun we will all have.
Magnificent Porringer Commercial Prop Bets. All outcomes judged by hazenberger. All decisions final.
1. # of times a man sustains harm to his groin area. Over/Under = 3.5
2. # of times a baby does something that babies cannot do in real life. Over/Under = 2.5
3. # of gay panic/sissy jokes. Over/Under = 8.5
4. # of times a car or truck is seen towing something that is unrealistic (i.e. a house, airplane, etc.) Over/Under = 1.5
5. # of monkeys. Over/Under = 3.5
6. More total ads, Budweiser or Miller (includes all variations, light beers, etc.)
7. Total # of celebrity appearances (includes reality TV stars). Over/Under = 10.5
8. Who will appear more: celebrity athletes or entertainment celebrities?
9. More total ads, Coke or Pepsi
10. Will there be more ads featuring aliens or ads featuring a deserted island?
11. # of mustaches in Budweiser old west themed ad campaign (mustache only, does not include full beards with ‘stache, goatees, etc.) Over/Under 3.5
12. # of put-upon wives. Over/Under = 5.5
13. # of wives portrayed as castrating harpies. Over/Under = 3
14. # unrealistically paired mates (hot wife/fat husband, etc.). Over/Under = 4
15. Tiebreaker- which company will air the most total ads?
See you in comments.
Quick Update: I am going to be very liberal with the way I score gay panic/sissy jokes, and a commercial that contains both a gay panic and a sissy joke will count as 2 occurrences. For example, the Miller Light commercial with the man in the thong bathing suit starts with a sissy joke (hot bartender emasculating the guy) then adds gay panic when the European guy says: “Look, we are same, brothers” and then starts slapping his own ass for some reason. Just a note in case anyone wants to update their picks.
apatheticallydecomposing 
1. Groin area. UNDER 3.5
2. Unreal babies. OVER 2.5. Hate the unreal babies.
3. Sissy jokes. UNDER 8.5. I’m not questioning American homophobia, but that’s a tall line.
4. Car Towing. OVER 1.5
5. Monkeys. UNDER 3.5
6. BUDWEISER
7. Celebrity Appearences. OVER 10.5. I’m hoping for at least one Jason Biggs shot.
8. CELEBRITY ATHLETES
9. PEPSI
10. ALIENS.
11. Old West Mustaches. OVER 3.5. Never bet against mustaches.
12. Put-upon wives. OVER 5.5
13. Castrating harpies. OVER 3
14. Unrealistic mates. UNDER 4. According To Jim is off the air, right?
15. BUDWEISER (incl. Bud Lite).
I like how the lines leave room for debate over half points (ie. how would you tally up a moustachioed baby? .5 unreal baby, .5 moustache, .25 monkey?) Anyways… here are my picks:
1. Groin area. OVER 3.5 (can a clydesdale hoof to the groin count as 2 points?)
2. Unreal babies. UNDER 2.5 (unless baby animals count… then I’ll go OVER)
3. Sissy jokes. UNDER 8.5. (Agree with Matt… perhaps this line needs to be revised… or perhaps add ” or conspicuous religious undertones” to it and I might go for the over)
4. Car Towing. OVER 1.5 (I hope they haul a gigantic can of whoopass)
5. Monkeys. OVER 3.5 (UGH… sick of them but they always appear)
6. BUDWEISER (king of beers will not lose it’s throne this year)
7. Celebrity Appearences. OVER 10.5. (If the halftime show is considered an advertisement then we have an easy win here)
8. ENTERTAINMENT CELEBRITIES
9. COKE (the budweiser of sodas)
10. ALIENS. (although I’d pick neither if I could)
11. Old West Mustaches. OVER 3.5.
12. Put-upon wives. UNDER 5.5
13. Castrating harpies. OVER 3
14. Unrealistic mates. OVER 4. (hot girls + vegetables count… #PETA)
15. E*TRADE.
1. Crochetal Exploitation = 3.5 – UNDER
2. babypromorphism = 2.5 – OVER
3. homofunnia = 8.5 – OVER
4. aggrandodgement = 1.5 – OVER
5. monkeys = 3.5 – UNDER
6. Sip of shame – BUDWEISER
7. celebredulls (give me a break it’s early) = 10.5 – including or excluding shots of the stands? OVER if so, UNDER if not
8. act- or competit- ors – ACTORS
9. pepsi challenge – PEPSI
10. Will there be more ads featuring aliens or ads featuring a deserted island? – ALIENS. everyone knows desert islands aren’t real
11. 1890s rice-strainers 3.5 – OVER
12. wives = 5.5 – UNDER
13. wives = 3 – OVER
14. kings of queens = 4 – OVER
15. Most fiscally irresponsible – InBev
1. Groin area – UNDER 3.5
2. Unreal babies – OVER 2.5
3. Gay jokes – UNDER 8.5
4. Towing unrealistic – UNDER 1.5
5. Monkeys – OVER 3.5
6. BUDWEISER (they need to prove they represent American beers)
7. Celeb appearances – OVER 10.5
8. Entertainment celebrities
9. PEPSI
10. Deserted islands
11. Moustaches – OVER 3.5
12. Put upon wives – UNDER 5.5
13. Castrating harpies – OVER 3
14. Unrealistic mates – PUSH
15. FORD
1. Under
2. Over
3. Over
4. Over
5. Over
6. Bud
7. Over
8. Entertainment
9. Coke
10. Islands
11. Over
12. Under
13. Over
14. Under
15. IBM
1) Under
2) Over
3) Under
4) Over
5) Over
6) Bud
7) Over
8) Entertainment
9) Coke
10) Island
11) Under
12) Under
13) Under
14) Over
15) Career Builder