In the Blogosphere, timing is everything. Which is why it made sense to wait a week for all the Super Bowl “Big Game” hype to die down before weighing in with the results of our Magnificent Porringer Commercial Prop Bet Challenge. (Also, re-watching the commercials was a daunting and unappealing task. And I was lazy. But I do it for you, dear readers.) So follow me below the fold, for a set by set recap of the best and worst that Madison Avenue had to offer.
Big Game Roman Numeral equal to 45 contained 29 commercial sets between opening kickoff and the last set after the final whistle. I decided not to count promos for Fox shows toward the final totals because I couldn’t decide if Matthew Morrison from Glee is a legitimate celebrity. (Leaning towards “No”). Also, if you care about NASCAR (coming soon, on FOX) you would also probably be entertained for hours by this. You can go there now. For the rest of you, on to the blow by blow.
Commercial Set #1
Would the first commercial of the night be a harbinger of things to come? A depressing commentary on American culture? A painfully obvious parody of an already exhausted reality genre? If you answered all 3, congratulations! You’ve done this before.
“Riffing” on the once ubiquitous Home Makeover genre, Bud Light’s opening statement featured the reveal of one couple’s brand new kitchen … full of Bud Light. I’m scoring this as the first put-upon wife of the evening (“you didn’t do anything, you just put Bud Light on the counter”) and giving it a 0.4 on my scale of advertising competence.
Doritos snagged the coveted #2 commercial with a gag that was obvious from the second frame. “Oh no! That jerk is going to make the dog run into the glass door! Oh, surprise! The dog crashes through the door and hurts the jerk boyfriend.” The only thing that surprised me was that the first groin hit of the night was narrowly averted. I’m also counting this as the 2nd put upon wife/girlfriend of the evening (“Babe, don’t hurt my dog.” “Screw you, sweetheart, I’m taunting your dog.”).
Spot 3 featured some old rich people in a weird old rich jail. While I would support throwing rich old white people in jail just on principle, the commercial broke every convention of good literary exposition. This ad was more amusing than the first 2, but less amusing than dropping something heavy on your own foot. Moral of commercial: Audis are way awesomer than old fashioned luxury brands like Mercedes. Also, Kenny G sucks, but he is willing to make fun of himself! What a great guy! First celebrity of the evening- filed under Entertainment celebrity.
Set #2
Doritos starts the second set with one of the more disturbing ads of the night. I really wanted to score this a gay panic, but I can’t justify it. The guy is incredibly disturbing, but seems totally asexual. I will credit Doritos for avoiding what could have been a much more disgraceful ad.
Do you know what’s funny? Old people. Because they can’t do things anymore that you and I take for granted. Like hearing, or controlling their bladders, or not dropping dead at any moment. Failed U.S. auto-maker Chevrolet blows millions of dollars on a spot that teaches us that old people are stupid. Buy American. Relevant Simpsons quote from Episode 3F10- Team Homer: “Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything.”
Do you know who’s really bitchy? Women. Especially wives. Don’t even get me started on black wives! Talk about ball busters. Oh Snap!! Pepsi strikes racist misogynistic gold with this jaw dropper.
Set #3
Bud Light meets the 3 musketeers.
Chevy car is like lassie. I’m counting this toward unrealistic towing, because cars don’t usually tow hot air balloons.
Vin Diesel, The Rock, the blonde actor, and that girl from the first The Fast and Furious reboot The Fast and the Furious. I’m only counting this as two legit (entertainment) celebrities. You can find the link yourself.
Set #4
Pepsi Max Douchebags vs nerds. I’m going to count this as a sissy joke because their is always latent homophobia in all jock/preppy bullying (because jocks/preppies are secretly gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.). Also, first groin hit.
In real life, Doritos will make you fat. In a Doritos commercial, Doritos will bring your dead grampa back to life. Also, black roommates are lazy and can’t be trusted to do the simplest favors.
Hyundai makes cars. Jeff Bridges has a cool voice. You can find the link. Or just watch True Grit. Ever Stalwart
Set #5
Cowboys & Aliens. Daniel Craig, Harrison Ford, and aliens. (2 celebrities)
Kia makes cars. More aliens.
Set #6
Claymation-style Eminem likes Lipton Brisk Iced Tea. The Marshall Mathers LP is the best record of the 2000’s.
Set #7
Email mishap when Reply-All is accidentally hit instead of Reply. Pratfalls! Physical Comedy! PYSCHE!!!. He actually only sent the email to the intended recipient. Disaster averted. Office mate has a mustache. (First Mustache)
More wasted taxpayer dollars for Chevy Volt. Fake Jimi Hendrix does not count as celebrity. Neither does Benjamin Franklin.
GoDaddy.com wants to make sure you get an erection anytime you think of registering a Domain Name or hosting a website. Danica Patrick, The Biggest Loser Trainer, and Joan Rivers’ body double appear. (3 celebrities. First “sports” celebrity. NASCAR is not a real sport.)
Promo for House uses NFL players. If I counted this toward celebrity prop bets, Sports celebs wins hands down. I will not do so.
Geico is too lazy to create an original ad.
Set #8 (right after former ‘skins kicker and Jesus fan Shaun Suisham misses FG attempt)
I had to watch the old west Budweiser ad in slow motion to make sure I didn’t miss any mustaches: 2 appear in the background within first 13 seconds. Then a full beard, followed by bartender’s mutton chops. Another mustache appears in the background. 2 more background mustaches. Everybody sings Elton John. (OVER mustaches wins the prop bet) I’m counting the actor who plays Nihilist #1/Uli Kunkel/Karl Hungus (her co-star in the beaver picture) as a celebrity. Digression: The Coen Brothers are the most consistently great filmmakers of any era. Discuss.
Faith Hill (celebrity) has a nice rack. Teleflora.
Transformers 3 trailer. Shia LaBeouf is shitty, but counts as a celebrity. BREAKING: Zac Efron Replaces Shia LaBeouf in New Film
Set #9
BMW makes cars.
Motorola makes a non iPad tablet device that is too expensive.
BMW makes diesel cars.
Set #10
Coca-Cola can tame even the fiercest CGI dragon.
Thor movie trailer. Natalie Portman is a celebrity. Kenneth Branagh directs?!?! WTF.
Ad Agency Deutsch Inc. scores with the consensus pick for best commercial of the night. Little Darth Vader. Better car commercials, Volkswagen or Nissan. Discuss. Hint: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Set #11
Lots of full beards in this Snickers spot with Richard Lewis and Roseanne. (2 celebs)
Careerbuilder.com spot. I will defer to frequent commenter, Dr_I_Don’t_Know/Matt K
But the moment of the night came in that first Career Builder ad, when the three chimps showed up. “I HAD MONKEYS UNDER 3.5,” I bellowed with delight. “THAT’S ONLY THREE MONKEYS. THIS IS PERFECT!… OH FUCK… ANOTHER CAR… FUUUUUUUUCK. FUCKING FOURTH MONKEY. GOD DAMN IT ALL.”
Monkeys at 3.5 should be shown to all budding Vegas oddsmakers as definition of a perfect over/under line.
A movie with the guy from Friday Night Lights (a celebrity). Someone in the ad has a mustache. (Mustaches OVER won a long time ago. I will stop recapping mustaches)
Set #12
Cancer. Alzheimer’s. Hypertension. Diabetes. Heart Disease. AIDS. Global Warming. Peak Oil. The Ebola virus. Science has yet to conquer these existential threats to humanity. But guess what. Now your car can stalk girls for you on facebook. Thanks Chevy! Buy American.
Captain America movie will feature Stanley Tucci and Tommy Lee Jones (2 celebrities)
Castrol.
Carmax.
Holy Shit. We’ve only just reached Halftime, and there are still 17 more sets to go. Looks like this is turning into an unintentional 2 part post! Stay tuned……
apatheticallydecomposing 
Awe-inspiring review. It’s true, cars don’t usually tow hot-air balloons, and bloggers don’t usually volunteer to recap all 29 Super Bowl ad breaks. I’m stirred by your courage even as I fear for your sanity.
My favorite ad of this half was actually the Doritos dead-grandpa thing, lazy black roommate included (speaking as a white person who has endangered fish under my protection through personal negligence, I identified with his plight). But really, it seemed like a more cliche-dense set of ads this year than even I was expecting. I was also disappointed that we didn’t get even one glimpse of a snowbound mountain occupied by Pete Coors.