And we’re back.
“Nostalgia – it’s delicate, but potent. Teddy told me that in Greek, “nostalgia” literally means “the pain from an old wound.” It’s a twinge in your heart far more powerful than memory alone. This device isn’t a spaceship, it’s a time machine. It goes backwards, and forwards… it takes us to a place where we ache to go again. It’s not called the wheel, it’s called the carousel. It let’s us travel the way a child travels – around and around, and back home again, to a place where we know are loved.”
-Mad Men, episode 13 “The Wheel” written by Matthew Weiner and Robin Veith
On to Set #13
Heading into halftime, most viewers probably took a quick bathroom break, which perhaps explains the lack of anything memorable that happened in the 13th commercial set of the night.
American Idol promo (not counting)
Local Weather team promo (Fuck Bob Ryan)
Xfinity TV iPad app (yawn)
“Americans against food taxes” i.e. It’s OK for the government to subsidize corn syrup which is making me and my fat family fat, but they’d better not turn around and tax the same corn syrup that is making my family fat. Did I mention that my family is fat? And I’ll feed them as much corn syrup as I damn well please?! America, fuck yeah!
Honda Civics are reliable and boring cars: here’s a reliably boring commercial to prove it.
Sony tries to make an android device that can double as a playstation. Weird underground opium den vibe. Chinese mustache.
Set #14 (the worst of America set)
Daytona 500
Lottery scratch off tickets
Daytona 500
Chatter.com featuring CGI Black Eyed Peas right before they take the stage. All the Peas were featured, but I will only count Will.I.Am and Fergie as celebrities.
The Black Eyed Peas “perform”
Set #15
CGI Peas are back for chatter.com, seem oblivious to the fact that they just put on the worst halftime show in 45 years.
Fox Promos (shitty cartoons, glee, Fox local morning news)
Old Citi credit card commercial. Unlike Chevy, Citi apparently unwilling to spend taxpayer dollars creating a new ad, but are more than willing to waste US taxpayer dollars showing an ad we’ve already seen.
Oil Companies rock! Or at least, Chevron does! We even employ poor people from other continents, like Africa! African engineer has a mustache.
KFC is the #1 Fried Chicken in AMERICA!!! USA USA USA USA!!!
Acura makes cars.
Tablets are so hot right now! The Daily is news for tablets.
Set #16
NFL Promo (not counting)
House Promo (not counting)
New show on Speed Network (contact your cable or satelite provider)
Daytona 500 Ferris Wheel tragedy.
Set# 17
Cars.com features a king and full beards.
E*trade brings us a TALKING BABY!!! BABIES CAN’T TALK!!! (1st unrealistic baby)
Best Buy mixes washed up reality stars Ozzie and Sharon Osbourne with soon to be washed up prepubescent heart-throb Justin Bieber.
New show on Fox features Chicago & Delroy Lindo’s mustache.
American Idol features J-Lo’s ass, Liv Tyler’s undead zombie father, a formerly fat studio bass player, and Ryan Seacrest’s hair.
Set #18
America can’t get enough of movie sequels based on popular theme park rides that were based on cutting edge animatronic robot technology from the early 1960’s. Johnny Depp and Keira Knightly are celebrities. (2 celebs)
Mini Cooper scores big with the least subtle sexual innuendo this side of “we should get together and have sexual intercourse <wink>” Had potential to turn gay panic-y, but did not.
Hotel Simulator from Homeaway.com has unrealisticly paired mates, and a T1000 style melting baby. I AM COUNTING THIS as an unrealistic baby, even though it is a robot.
Set #19
Jeff Bridges still has a great voice. Buy a Hyundai, or just watch The Big Lebowski.
Groupon.com makes light of sanctimonious celebrity cause videos with “celebrity” Timothy Hutton. Free Tibet! (1 celebrity)
Coca Cola teaches us that even the most tense border disputes can be solved with The Real Thing. Are you listening Israel and Palestine?
Set #20
Stella Artois is a terrible beer. Adrien Brody is a strange looking guy. Stella Artois is still a terrible beer, even in a French cabaret.
Carmax
If there’s anything that Americans like more than stuffing their faces with government subsidized corn syrup snacks and beverages, it’s being yelled at by our British betters. Simon Cowell returns to tell Americans that we are “disgraceful”
Set #21
Eminem is the star of the night, appearing in live action for Chrysler. This ad was strangely affecting. It’s gotta be the “Lose Yourself” slow build intro. Bonus Mike Birbiglia tweet: “I don’t know how people even ran on treadmills before Eminem song “Lose Yourself” came out.”
Set#22
The NFL uses CGI to make Fonzie fix a flat screen TV. EHHHHH!
Local Weather team (Fuck Bob Ryan)
TGI Friday’s. Terrible chain restaurant, or most horrific atrocity in the history of the universe? Discuss.
Do you know what professional sports is missing? Piety. So I was thriilled to find it in this ad for Jesus/The Bible/Religion/lookup316.com. Now far be it from me to suggest the most efficient way to prostelytize, but I’m guessing that most people who are curious about what John 3:16 says have plenty of tools at their disposal. You know, like the fucking bible. (or google) For some reason, Christopher Hitchens is prominently featured on the sponsoring organization’s website.
Owning a Jeep means you can climb a huge snowdrift. The kind that you will never encounter in real life. Owning a Jeep when you do not live in the Australian Outback makes you a douchebag. A douchebag who can climb snowdrifts in your car.
Another Friday’s ad. This one features an atypical unrealistic pairing with a seemingly normal woman and a wacky guy. (+1 unrealistic mates)
Set#23
Johnny Depp does voice for CGI lizard movie that does not appear to need a huge A list celebrity voice. Real voice over actors pissed.
Cars.com has talking CGI cars
CGI assisted dogs can host an awesome party.
The auto-tuned cast of Glee wants you to watch Glee.
Set #24
Jeff Bridges’ voice still soothes. Hyundai riffs on old timey technology.
Pepsi Max inner monologue. I’m counting this as a bitchy woman.
Another CGI movie: Rio. Who cares?
Set #25
Animals and humans help each other in this cute Bridgestone ad.
Danica Patrick (sports celeb) and the biggest loser trainer (entertainment) are NAKED!!! ZOMG! Web hosting still gives everyone a boner.
New VW Beetle.
Raising Hope promo.
Set#26
Mercedes cars drive themselves, controlled by the magic of Janis Joplin’s voice. Puff Daddy is a terrible actor.
TV promos.
Set #27
Amusing Chevy ad pokes fun of, and indulges in, car commercial cliches.
Remember that stupid “Can you hear me now” asshole? Well, he’s back. To introduce the iPhone 4 on Verizon. My inside sources tell me that the actor who plays this guy is kind of a douche. #hearsay
Set #28
Glee cast for the Chevy Cruz
That movie with Robert Deniro and Bradley Cooper (dreamy)
Kim Kardashian’s ass, courtesy of Sketchers.
New Fox show is like Lost or something.
In my notes I wrote: “traffic light” I have no idea what this means.
More Glee promo
Final Set!!! #29
E*trade baby and sneezing kitty. Awwwwwwwwwwww.
New FX show
CGI Disney movie with Aliens
Guy slaps another guy in the face. Wendy’s
Our benevolent Big Oil and Gas companies want us to know how benevolent they are, and how many jobs they create. Jobs that will be extremely helpful when the WHOLE FUCKING EARTH TURNS INTO A BALL OF GLOBAL WARMING INDUCED FIRE.
Xfinity repeat ad for their iPad ap. Yawning. Again.
Results summary to follow.
apatheticallydecomposing 
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