Fuck the King of Thailand, Part I

As the great Jim Anchower might say, I know it’s been a long time since I rapped at ya, but shit’s been crazier than a Patong Beach sex show (FORESHADOWING…). So what, you are surely asking, has rekindled the embers that were once the flame of the world’s greatest blog? How about a 20 day trip to the FAR FUCKING EAST!! That’s right, your humble blogger visited the shit out of Macau, Hong Kong, Beijing, and Thailand. So how does one possibly capture 20 days in blog form? Superlatives, rants and raves!

Join me below the break for the first post in a series which will contain scintillating categories such as Best Wall, Worst TV, Spiciest Tom and more!

Before we begin, a disclaimer: the views represented below may be considered satirical, offensive, ridiculous, asinine, really offensive, or completely offensive. Also, profanity. You’ve been duly cautioned.

Best Venice: Venice, Italy

You have to admire the hubris of the person who decided they could improve upon Venice by recreating it in a high end shopping mall attached to a half a million square foot casino and Asia’s largest single structure hotel building. You also have to weep for humanity. Contemptible sub-human scum sucker Sheldon Adelson‘s Sands Corporation are the evil geniuses behind the Venetian Macau resort. Garish, tacky, ridiculous, but somehow still impressive- the Venetian towers over the island of Taipa like a golden Everest, beckoning you with it’s siren song of Baccarat. On the plus side, I did win $1200 Hong Kong Dollars, which is more than can be said for the real Venice. Also, fewer disgusting pigeons. Perhaps, I speak too hastily?

No.

The real Venice is awesome. See it now, before it’s too late.

A typical game of Baccarat

Best Wall: The Great Wall of China

I’d like to meet the person who first took a gander at this wonder of the world and said, “eh… it’s pretty great” and then slap him in the face. Never before has an adjective fallen so short in its descriptive power. The Great Wall of China is a breathtaking and completely mesmerizing human achievement more impressive than Saint Peter’s Basilica, because it’s built RIGHT INTO A GOD DAMNED MOUNTAIN!!

LOOK AT THIS FUCKING THING!!!

Seriously. You need to see this. Go. Now.

Did I forget to mention that you can SLIDE DOWN THE MOUNTAIN ON A MOTHER LOVING TOBOGGAN!!

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Spiciest Tom: Tom Yum

Barely edging out Tom Herb, delicious Thai soup Tom Yum (I had the Prawn version- Tom Yum Goong) made my eyes water and sinuses empty with its spicy goodness. Rant: If there is a difference between “prawns” as recognized in Thailand and “shrimp” everywhere else in the world, I will eat a delicious bowl of Tom Yum soup out of my hat.

This spicy Herb was barely beaten by spicy herb soup.

Best Drivers: Beijingers (no, really!)

We all know the stereotype: Asian people are bad drivers. But the truth is exactly the opposite. The choreographed dance that goes on every day on Beijing’s streets between cars, scooters, little old ladies on bicycles, trucks and rickshaws would make the most veteran Hollywood stunt driver shit his pants with terror.

Ryan Gosling can’t wrap his beautiful fucking brain around driving in Beijing

People weave in and out of oncoming traffic, bicycles and scooters travel the wrong way up dedicated lanes, stop lights are merely suggestions, yet somehow, it all works. Everyone is looking out for each other, and the controlled chaos is marvelous. These folks are driving at a level that westerners can only dream of achieving. If you are a pedestrian, just keep walking in a straight line, be decisive, and you’ll be fine.

The only bike helmet I witnessed in 3 days. Also, INSANITY!!!

Best Dogs: Tie- All the dogs of Asia

From the well-heeled dogs of Beijing, to the laid back strays in Thailand, Asia has the best dogs. Not pampered and moody like in the United States, these pooches are self reliant, friendly, and totally cool. Check out this guy just laying out on the beach.

Just an average day, laying out on a tropical beach paradise.

Most Misleading Name: Forbidden City

We walked right into this place! They were even selling tickets at the gate. “This is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the the film, “The Never-Ending Story.”

Come one, come all into the FORBIDDEN CITY!!

Worst TV (i.e. USA blows, i.e. RANT!!): United States of America

How much do you pay for your cable? It’s a lot, right? A wad? A shit-ton? A big pile of simoleons? What about internet service? Even more? I guess that’s just what modern technology costs, right? Nothing we can do about it. Let’s just shell out the $79.99 per month- that’s for the cheap package (not including taxes and regulatory fees) to Comcast and be on our way. But hey, at least we’re Americans! Freedom isn’t free! Love it or leave it! Only, WAKE UP ASSHOLES WE”RE BEING ROYALLY FUCKED!!!!11!!! Before you string me up with cries of TREASON!! Take a gander at this shit:

850 Baht per month for cable and internet. That’s $27 American Dollars. For 150 SHIT KICKING CHANNELS

Yes, you’re reading that right. The equivalent of $27 per month for 150 channels, plus internet. This is on an island where many people live in tin shanties. We should feel ashamed and embarrassed that we put up with this. “But wait,” you retort (you pathetic corporate apologist) “we’re an advanced country, there must be some good explanation.” You’re wrong. High speed internet and cable in the modern country of (gasp) FRANCE, costs about $38 USD per month. AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!!

While my head recovers from EXPLODING WITH RAGE, let’s take a break. We’ll continue our list of superlatives with such categories as Nerdiest King, Best Monkey, and Coldest Beer. Also, more Rants and Raves, and possibly an anecdote or two.