Having recovered nicely from my rage-induced aneurysm, I will now continue to regale you with additional superlatives from my extensive travels in the Far East. As previously stated, if you have a problem with the word “fuck,” or you get easily offended by offensive, satirical, rage-ful, or otherwise inappropriate material, may I direct you to this much more suitable web address. For those brave souls who remain, let us continue our adventure, BELOW THE BREAK!
Coldest Beer: Asahi
Being from the World’s Greatest Country in the history of human history (America), I’ve learned that nothing beats a cold beer. The colder the better. Colder!! Like colder than the fucking Rocky Mountains cold. Would I be able to enjoy icy cold refreshment in the farthest reaches of the Orient? I AM TREMBLING WITH ANTICIPATION!!!
Is your beer this fucking cold?
I’m sure you can imagine my relief, dear reader, when I arrived at the Tokyo airport (en route to Hong Kong) and the first bar I witnessed assuaged my fears that cold beer is a purely American marketing ploy.
This beer is served at SUB ZERO TEMPERATURES, for EXTRA COLDNESS!!
That’s right. This beer is served at NEGATIVE 1.7 DEGREES CENTIGRADE (roughly 700 million degrees below freezing using the much more rational and AMERICAN Fahrenheit system) Unfortunately, my time was limited at the Tokyo airport and I wasn’t able to sample the refreshing sub zero coldness, mostly due to…
Most Ludicrous Display of Security Theater: Japan (shocking upset)
From unnecessary removal of shoes, to unnecessary radiation scanners, to unnecessary X-Ray machines that let faceless bureaucrats see outlines of your junk while pleasuring themselves off in a remote room somewhere, the USA is number one in giving up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety! Nobody does security theater like the United States, I used to think.
But that was before stepping off the plane in Tokyo and immediately going through an additional full security screening. Look, I understand that the Japanese are very technologically advanced and crafty.
Holy Shit! Look at this racism!
THIS JAPANESE ROBOT CAN PLAY THE VIOLIN, HE’S MADE OUT OF YOUR WASTED WW2 SCRAP METAL AND HE’S COMING FOR YOUR DECADENT ORCHESTRA JOBS!!!
But I find it difficult to believe that Japanese airline passengers have figured out how to create dangerous weapons using items available in the cabin of a 747. And if they have figured this out, they’ve more than earned the right to blow some shit up. I say, if you can fashion a bomb out of an air sickness bag, pretzels, and a SkyMall, YOU WIN!!!
Best Monkey: Thai. (PUNS!!!) All Monkeys in Thailand
Did you know there is a place called Monkey Beach? If you did, and you’re not currently there WALLOWING IN A SEA OF MONKEYS then you are suffering from a major dysfunction (monkeyphobia?). For God’s sake! Monkeys!! On the BEACH!!!
Monkee Beach, not to be confused with Monkey Beach, or Monkey Island
THESE WILD MONKEYS WILL EAT RIGHT FROM YOUR HAND
THEY DRINK BOTTLED WATER!! MONKEYS, THEY’RE JUST LIKE US!!!!
What about for those folks for whom an entire beach full of monkeys would be an embarrassment of riches and/or cause uncontrollable squeeeeing? How about one trained monkey ripping off tourists for money?
TAKE YOUR PHOTO WITH A MONKEY!!!
Seconds before she grabbed the 100 Baht note right out of my hand
Nerdiest King: Bhumibol Adulyadej, King of Thailand
What do you call an accomplished Jazz composer, alto saxophonist, sailboat designer, and patent-holder for a water aerator? A huge fucking nerd. I mean, just look at this guy!
“I’m the King of Thailand, and this 50 note is worth $1.58 USD. Also, I’m a huge geek”
And did you know that it is illegal to criticize this simpering dweeb in his home country? Ridiculous! Let’s all point and laugh at the nerd, and knock his stupid alto saxophone on the ground. Dork.
That concludes this edition of Far East superlatives. Stay tuned for more…. JUST DON’T RUSH ME, ALRIGHT!
apatheticallydecomposing 
I’m a fleabit peanut monkey, all my friends are junkies!
But that’s not really true!!!!!!!
Everybody’s got something to hide, ‘cept for me and my monkey.
This is random, but why is Monkee Beach dominated by a sinister modernist building and a greenhouse with broken windows? Have they been captured and buried in the sand by a whimsical Bond villain?
I’ll have to research this. I’ve never seen this particular episode, assuming it even comes from the Monkees TV series.
What does it say about the Thai people that they allow that Adulyadej dork to rule over them as a monarch? Is it possible that they are all even nerdier than this clown, and they took one look at his alto sax and thought, ‘wow, what a cool guy. Let’s make him the living embodiment of our sovereign government.’?