Philadelphia, PA– South Philadelphia resident Paul Hazen has no idea why there is so much mustard currently in his refrigerator. “I like mustard well enough, but it’s definitely not my favorite condiment,” Hazen explained. “I can’t even remember when the last time I bought some was, but sure enough, there are five different containers right here in the fridge.” Adding to the confusion is the fact that two of the five containers are Shop Rite brand Spicy Brown Mustard with expiration dates within 3 months of each other. “Did I have a barbecue I don’t remember, or some kind of picnic-themed party?” Hazen mused. “This is really fucking baffling! I should probably recycle the bottles or something.”
In addition to a nearly empty glass jar of Grey Poupon and dozens of take-out mustard packets, at least one expired squeeze-tube of Hebrew National Deli-Style Mustard is currently being obscured in the door shelf by an un-opened can of martini olives and two empty bottles of Sriracha Hot Sauce. Analysts predict that the mustards will remain unused for the next three years, at which time they will be unceremoniously discarded in a frenzy of moving-related cleaning.
apatheticallydecomposing 
Hahahaha quinn sent this to me, brilliant!