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Archive for the ‘Food’ Category

Philadelphia, PA– South Philadelphia resident Paul Hazen has no idea why there is so much mustard currently in his refrigerator. “I like mustard well enough, but it’s definitely not my favorite condiment,” Hazen explained. “I can’t even remember when the last time I bought some was, but sure enough, there are five different containers right here in the fridge.” Adding to the confusion is the fact that two of the five containers are Shop Rite brand Spicy Brown Mustard with expiration dates within 3 months of each other. “Did I have a barbecue I don’t remember, or some kind of picnic-themed party?” Hazen mused. “This is really fucking baffling! I should probably recycle the bottles or something.”

In addition to a nearly empty glass jar of Grey Poupon and dozens of take-out mustard packets, at least one expired squeeze-tube of Hebrew National Deli-Style Mustard is currently being obscured in the door shelf by an un-opened can of martini olives and two empty bottles of Sriracha Hot Sauce. Analysts predict that the mustards will remain unused for the next three years, at which time they will be unceremoniously discarded in a frenzy of moving-related cleaning.

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Cranberry Juice

I love cranberry juice. Let me back up. I thought I loved cranberry juice. That is until I tried real 100% no sugar added, not-from-concentrate cranberry juice. What I love, apparently, is sugar. I am sad that Ocean Spray has lied to me all these years.

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I am working at Frank Zappa levels of genius. Not 10 minutes ago, I was resigned to eating re-heated french fries and yuca, perhaps with ketchup. Fittingly on this 12th day of Christmas, I had an epiphany: leftover taco meat and cheese, melted on top of the fried starch heap. I’m gonna be a dental floss tycoon.

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The dream has died

You never forget your first. The anticipation. The fear mixed with excitement. What if I do it wrong? What if it’s not as good as everyone says? What if it’s over too soon? What if I never get to do it again? Or what if this is it? True love, rendered in pure aching, physical perfection? What if this is all that I ever want and need? The physical manifestation of God’s love for humanity? What if I can’t get enough, and I never think of anything else again?

My first, was the Blackened Chicken Caesar.

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Like many people, I enjoy food.  Like many other people, I also enjoy porn. If you drew a Venn Diagram of People Who Enjoy Food and People Who Enjoy Porn, my name would be in that middle area. And frankly, so would yours. Don’t deny it. We’re all adults here.  And if you’re not an adult, shame on you. Please grow up, then come back and see us. (see below)

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