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Having recovered nicely from my rage-induced aneurysm, I will now continue to regale you with additional superlatives from my extensive travels in the Far East. As previously stated, if you have a problem with the word “fuck,” or you get easily offended by offensive, satirical, rage-ful, or otherwise inappropriate material, may I direct you to this much more suitable web address. For those brave souls who remain, let us continue our adventure, BELOW THE BREAK!

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As the great Jim Anchower might say, I know it’s been a long time since I rapped at ya, but shit’s been crazier than a Patong Beach sex show (FORESHADOWING…). So what, you are surely asking, has rekindled the embers that were once the flame of the world’s greatest blog? How about a 20 day trip to the FAR FUCKING EAST!! That’s right, your humble blogger visited the shit out of Macau, Hong Kong, Beijing, and Thailand. So how does one possibly capture 20 days in blog form? Superlatives, rants and raves!

Join me below the break for the first post in a series which will contain scintillating categories such as Best WallWorst TV, Spiciest Tom and more!

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Dear Asshole,

I don’t know if you noticed, but it’s really hot outside today. Hotter than Dom Deluise’s balls after an hour in Satan’s personal shvitz. Despite the ungodly heat, I hopped on the bike to go to work like I always do, so I really didn’t need any additional bullshit this morning. And things were going fine for a while. Yes, I was sweating more than usual, but nothing I couldn’t handle. And then here you come, just fucking hovering in the middle of the path like a god damn idiot.

Listen, I know you probably have personal bee shit to attend to like pollinating flowers or whatever, but maybe watch more carefully before just parking your stupid bee ass exactly at forehead height. And here’s the thing, if I could see you, I certainly would have tried to avoid hitting you. But you’re a tiny fucking insect, and I’m a large human, so frankly, I think the burden should be on you to see me coming and not just sit there while I smash my forehead into you at 20 MPH.

And really, that could have been the end of it right there. I mean, you were probably nearly killed on impact. Freak accidents happen, you know? And it would have been sad for your family, but they could have regrouped. Circle of life, etc. But instead of doing the honorable thing and accepting your fate, you have to go and plant your stinger right into my forehead? You know what? Fuck you. Have some decency.

I’ve always been a defender of bees. I know that what you do is important, and I spend many a sleepless night fretting about the impending collapse of the global food chain due to our current bee shortage. But not anymore. A global human catastrophe would be a small price to pay to know that you and your dumbass friends wouldn’t be able to just go stinging people’s foreheads willy-nilly when all they’re trying to do is get to work. So even though I know that you’re already dead (having stung me and all) and that you can’t read this, I hope this letter serves as a warning to other bees to mind your shit and be more fucking careful next time.

Regards,

hazenberger

More Spam

There is probably nothing on earth I hate more than Jeff Dunham. I guess cancer? Cancer is pretty awful. But then, so is shitty ventriloquist “comedian” Jeff Dunham. If I had to only eradicate one of the aforementioned scourges from the planet, I’d grudgingly choose cancer as it affects more people. (Just think for a minute, there are people on this earth who are blissfully unaware of that awful fucking hack Jeff Dunham. I envy those people.)

“Wow, that came out of the blue,” you’re no doubt thinking. Allow me to explain. Last week, I posted 2 clips of puppet comedy from hilarious puppet franchise The Muppets. Yesterday, the pseudo intelligent spam-bots of the internet descended on those posts:

“Bleep-blorp-wurrrr. Analyzing post content. Blog author enjoys puppets. Retrieving relevant spam link. Pzzzzft fizzz- Posting JEFF DUNHAM LINK. Terminate spam-bot script. Powering down. Shzzzzzzvzzz”

Upon clicking the link, I was whisked away to an alternate universe (Lubbock Texas) where the local newspaper (The Lubbock Avalanche-Journal) writes rave reviews about hack ventrilo-“comedian” Jeff “fucking” Dunham. I refuse to endorse the publication with a new link. But those curious and/or masochistic readers who really want to some bizarro world shit can find the link in the comments in one of the Muppet posts.

One final note to spam bots: Jeff Dunham = terrible.

Something to Add

It turns out I do have something to add: MORE MUPPETS1!11!!!!

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Mah na mah na

It is not often that I have nothing to add. But today is one of those days.

Contrary to popular belief, it is not knowing that Dolly Parton loves me. For those blog readers who do not follow along on twitter, yesterday I tweeted at comedian and Roast Master General Jeffrey Ross. I did not expect a response, but to my great delight, Jeff treated me to a birthday mini roast. The exchange went thusly:

hazenberger: Hey @realjeffreyross I turn 30 today and my life is more pathetic than your act. Any advice?

Jeffrey Ross: Write a new life. RT @Hazenberger Hey @realjeffreyross I turn 30 today and my life is more pathetic than your act. Any advice?

Zing!! Milestone reached. First exchange with a celebrity on twitter. Now please enjoy some vintage Ross roasting. (Contains profanity. It’s a fucking roast!)